I have a few questions for you?
1) What distracts you the most? People or things? Fun people and things or annoying people and things? Or maybe annoying questions like this?
2) How do you get on track?
I ask as I see I originally started on this blog in 2014. It didn’t get published because I was distracted. Please tell me I’m not the only one distracted. For those of you who have been following me, you know, in 2014, I was committed to singing, writing, and “peopling.”
I guess that’s true in 2017. Naw. Committed is too strong a word. Me likey those 3 things. I’m trying not to be committed balancing my responsibilities as caregiver and business owner. What a difference 3 years makes!
With singing, I was transitioning from the fear of losing my gift of singing into practicing everyday and rehearsing every Wednesday with the Oakland Symphony Chorus. I did it and had fun with fellow choristers. Sometimes fun can be a distraction.
You know how it is? You engage in a conversation before you start singing. The baton goes up; time to stop talking. But I want to hear how he proposed. Oh, the voices in the head are chanting – “I remain focused on the task at hand while ignoring unimportant distractions.” Oh shut up! I’m peopling here! Besides, what would I have to write about if I wasn’t distracted.
“They” say write what you know. I know distraction. Distraction gets in the way of good intentions, goals, and commitments. But I have freewill, right? I can choose to do or not do whatever I want, right? Not so fast. If I make a commitment, I must keep it. That means put distractions aside. As I sat writing, I used the 7Note App on my Kindle to actually write. (Contrasted to 2017, where I use the handwriting function on the Android keyboard of my tablet. Yeah, you read it right. I am not an Apple girl.)
Whether 7Note or the Android keyboard function, I love it. It transcribes my cursive to type. This is not a distraction. It’s actually a time-saver.
However, the upper ribbon of my phone or tablet gets me in trouble, because I check what’s up there to see what reminders I’ve forgotten. USA Today alerts in 2014. Washington Post about dude in the White House in 2017.
Now common sense would tell you to turn the alerts off, but what if I miss the latest breaking news-Kim Kardashian-West breaks a nail in 2014; Mr. 45 unleashes one more #AlternateFact in 2017?
Actually, I had a good intention in 2014. I was able to find out that the Los Angeles area had an early morning 4.4 earthquake. My now 94 year old Mom still lives there and I was and still am concerned about her well-being.
That earthquake caused me to have a light bulb moment. Even in the midst of shiny objects, distractions can be ignored.
Here’s how to do it:
1) Be clear – what do you want to accomplish
2) Use positive self-talk – tell yourself the task at hand is the most important thing at this moment
3) Define the moment – you know how long you can focus without interruptions. Set a timer for 30 or 60 or 90 minutes.
4) Take a break – breathe. Call a friend. Check your Facebook or Twitter account. Keep in mind breaks are usually 15 minutes long.
So, what I’m saying is schedule time to focus and time to be distracted. Distractions are inevitable. Most time management experts say to schedule only 2/3 of your day. Let me know if you’ve ever tried the 2/3 method. You might have something even better. If you’re looking for support or coaching, I’m an email away at LGW@gwcdiff.com.
As I continue to research how Dems & RePubs can play nice together, I am coming across some very cool stuff.
I go about my day and I hear something and it reminds me of a song, a line from a movie, or a crazy parody – “Who’s On First” – by the 1940’s and 1950’s comedy team Abbott and Costello.
Sometimes, these political times remind me of old comedy teams – Keystone Cops, Three Stooges, and of course Abbott and Costello. Click the link to see how this routine shows the irritation and frustration of people talking about the same thing, but not in the same context, and not having the same perspective.
We get upset with each other when we don’t use the right words or ask the right questions – Costello: “Who gets paid to be on first?” Abbott: “Right.” Costello: “No who gets paid to be on first?” Abbott: “Right, who gets paid to be on first?” And so it goes to “unniceness” in the the olden days. Now, it erodes into name calling from both sides. Although what we all want is safety, food, and shelter. It’s just that some of us think that if some have just a little bit, it takes the goodies away. That is so far from the truth. It’s amazing what we can do and get when we work together for the good.
Interestingly, I began thinking about the Dems and the RePubs “playing nice” in 2008. Here we are 8 years later and it’s worse, especially on the national level.
I am still searching for the point in time that the 2 parties switched positions, but never seemed to intersect toward working for the good. (No I’m not talking about All Lives Matter. That’s a topic for another blog.)
The Republicans – party of Lincoln – used to be for the “poor man.” Even in Tricky Dick’s time, I mean President Richard Nixon, the Pres used to love to talk about his wife’s Pat cloth coat vs. the furs once worn by the elegant Democrat First Lady, Jacqueline Kennedy.
Strom Thurmond had been a Dixiecrat. Oh yeah, ˝they” say the Dixiecrats or The States’ Rights Democratic Party was a short-lived segregationist political party in the United States in 1948. But I bet you the roots began after slavery or probably even before. If you read the book “One Drop” by Bliss Broyard (daughter of the late Anatole Broyard of New York “Times” fame), you will see how Louisiana Democrats – former Confederates, were blatant segregationists after the Great War was over and they LOST.
I know, I know, “they” tell me that the group in power doesn’t want to lose that power. I understand. I really do. But here’s a few things to consider:
1) Dead right just gets you dead. (And you probably weren’t even right in the first place.)
2) Shared power is better than no power. (Greater things usually come from diverse perspectives.)
3) Win-win is real (It’s about the 2 parties putting their cards on the table for the greater good, and not one’s individual selfishness.)
So as I continue to puzzle over why can’t we all get along, what’s your take on being right, sharing power, and win-win? How can we morph from idiotic, irritated, yet entertaining comic teams to intelligent, compassionate partners in citizenry? Inquiring minds want to know.
Here it is Day 15 of my #40day journey. This journey of turning negative “shtuff” (a technical term coined by my friend, Dana) into positive joy. So why am I amazed when different life lessons and experiences collide and reaffirm what I’ve asked to experience?
A few weeks ago I was called an outsider by a Christian mediator for a client. The reason I know he was a Christian is that he repeated the declaration that “we’re Christians here, and we forgive each other.” So was the message to me, except you heathen? Oh well.
I recently talked to a friend about her feelings as an outsider in the workplace, because people didn’t appreciate her bringing her A-game. She even had a supervisor to tell her just bring on the B-game, and you’ll fit in just nicely.
Then this morning as I was dressing for work, I switched on the TV for background noise, and what was on? The ultimate outsider 1961 soap opera/movie – “Return to Peyton Place.” I hadn’t seen that movie in years. And today only saw the last 30 minutes. But there was Selena Cross, a young woman violated by her father, judged and misunderstood by her village, trying to be the best person she could be.
How many of us trying our best are still haunted by the ghosts of our pasts? Sometimes it’s only we judging ourselves. We wear masks to cover our “shame.” But others don’t know about the mask or the object of the shame. They just see what we allow them to see. And so the external judging begins:
“Who does she think she is?”
“Look how he dresses, he must spend a fortune on his clothes.”
“She smiles too much!”
“Why doesn’t he smile?”
The list goes on. The hurt goes on.
But this is where the healing can begin in 3 simple, but not so easy steps:
1) Be aware of trigger events, words, and people – Although the mediator and I had similar vocational and spiritual backgrounds, I allowed myself to judge him because he reminded me of one of my ghosts.
2) Check your assumptions – the person you’re judging may not be like the one you knew.
3) Acknowledge your growth – if you’re reading this blog, you’re a seeker. You’ve been working on improving you for a while now. Pat yourself on the back.
We’re well on our way to our road out of negativity into the land of positiveness.
If you need a gentle nudge in your journey, I’m just an email away at LGW@gwcdiff.com
I have a few questions for you?
1) What distracts you the most? People or things? Fun people and things or annoying people and things? Or maybe annoying questions like this?
2) How do you get on track?
I ask on this 13th day of my #40day journey because I can’t believe I’m the only one distracted. For those of you who have been following me, you know I’m committed to singing, writing, and “peopling.”
With singing, I’m transitioning from the fear of losing my gift of singing into practicing everyday and rehearsing every Wednesday with the Oakland Symphony Chorus. I’ve been doing it and having fun with fellow choristers. Sometimes that fun can be a distraction. You know how it is? You engage in a conversation before you start singing. The baton goes up; time to stop talking. But I want to hear how he proposed. Oh the voices in the head are chanting – “I remain focused on the task at hand while ignoring unimportant distractions.” Oh shut up! I’m peopling here! Besides, what would I have to write about if I wasn’t distracted.
“They” say write what you know. I know distraction. Distraction gets in the way of good intentions, goals, and commitments. But I have freewill, right? I can choose to do or not do whatever I want, right? Not so fast. If I make a commitment, I must keep it. That means put distractions aside. As I sit here writing, I’m using the 7Note App on my Kindle to actually write. I love it. It transcribes my cursive to type. This is not a distraction. It’s actually a time-saver. However, this upper ribbon
often gets me in trouble, because I check what that 4 (or whatever other number might be there) to see what reminder I’ve forgotten. Included in those reminders are USA Today alerts. Now common sense would tell you to turn the alerts off, but what if I miss the latest breaking news: Kim Kardashian breaks a nail. Just kidding. It is important to know that the Los Angeles area had an early morning 4.4 earthquake. (My Mom lives there and I’m concerned about her well-being.)
I just had a light bulb moment. Even in the midst of shiny objects, distractions can be ignored. Here’s how to do it:
1) Be clear – what do you want to accomplish
2) Use positive self-talk – tell yourself the task at hand is the most important thing at this moment
3) Define the moment – you know how long you can focus uninterrupted. Set a timer for 30 or 60 or 90 minutes.
4) Take a break – Breathe; call a friend; check your Facebook or Twitter account. Keep in mind breaks are usually 15 minutes long.
So, what I’m saying is schedule time to focus and time to be distracted. Distractions are inevitable. Most time management experts say to schedule only 2/3 of your day. Let me know if you’ve ever tried the 2/3 method. You might have an even better method. If you’re looking for support or coaching, I’m an email away at LGW@gwcdiff.com
There’s an often used phrase I love – ˝You be you, boo!” (Standard Airy-Fairy English Translation – “Be Your Authentic Self, my love”)
Well Boo, my life’s mission is to help you be the best you you can be. As I’ve been writing these past 5 days, I’ve been wondering which “you” am I writing for. And then it hit me. All yous guys (yes, YOUS guys) who want to know how to carry yourself in dignity when you run into cuckoo-cra cra-wa ka people at work. (In case you didn’t know, those were all technical terms to describe the folks who annoy you and drive you crazy at work.)
I wish I had had wisdom early in my career to deal. I remember a co-worker who could annoy me just walking into the office. I was so righteous and thought he was so wrong! I didn’t like Jim (not his real name) because I thought he was inauthentic. (Yeah, I know who died and left me God.)
Because of MY annoyance it was an expensive time for a lot of people and the company. It cost the company productivity because there was Team Jim vs. Team Lori; neither team working well together. We even had upper management in on the divisiveness – my mentor pulling for Team Lori and the mentor’s mentor pulling for Team Jim. Jim and I both lost out on a director’s job because the Division VP said we lacked the emotional maturity to get beyond our differences. She was right. Two 30-somethings acting like cra-cra 5 year olds.
As a matter of fact we got into it over our personal observances of Lent. I dropped in his office to say “Hello” and he giddily remarked he was giving up ice cream for Lent. I asked him how was that going to make him a better person? He said his wife told him to do it. Then he asked what would I suggest. So of course I was obliged to tell him. “Give up your evil ways.” Um, that didn’t go over well.
Had I had the mental toughness that comes with emotional intelligence, there wouldn’t have been the triangulation, violation of boundaries, and fight or flight responses dealing with Jim.
Daniel Goleman’s 1998 emotional intelligence model says there are 5 constructs:
1. Self-awareness – the ability to know one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.
2. Self-regulation – involves controlling or redirecting one’s disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances
3. Social skill – managing relationships to move people in the desired direction
4. Empathy – considering other people’s feelings especially when making decisions
5. Motivation – being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement
That particular Lenten season, my husband and I were in the final phase of converting to Catholicism. Part of that final phase was going to confession. So, I thought it would be like in the movies – “Bless me Father for I’ve sinned. I drank a cup of coffee when I said I wouldn’t.” You can imagine my surprise when I arrived at the appointed time and Father Bernie and I were meeting face-to-face, knee-to-knee.
He started the session with the question, “Is there anyone at work with whom you have a bad relationship?” Was he reading my mind? I was ready to detail Jim’s every annoyance. But Father Bernie flipped the script on me. He asked me what part did I play in the rocky relationship. What? Who me?
And that’s when I first used Goleman’s construct #1 – self-awareness. Because of the hurt of losing the director position, I held up the mirror to look at my strengths and weaknesses as a director.
After doing so, I realized one of my weaknesses was allowing my e-motions to be negative energy in emotion as described by Vic Thorpe of Just Solutions Network.
So the next step was to self-regulate – Breathe and smile. People who’ve never tried it will think this is one of the most absurd things to do. People who have, know it’s one of the best, fast, and simple ways to center oneself. (Prayer, meditation, and a walk are also ways to be centered.)
The next step was to enhance my social skill. That does not mean I became a master manipulator, but someone who is her best self in dealing with others. The “Howdy Call” to Jim was a step in the right direction. Climbing over him regarding his Lenten choice was not. His and my relationship got better when I used the fourth construct – empathy. When I stopped judging and started listening, I was better able to understand where he was coming from. We never became best friends, but we did merge Team Jim and Team Lori toward better working relations.
I was motivated because I never again wanted someone to be able to truthfully characterize me as being emotionally immature. And then it hit me. Being a director was not as important to me as helping others find what motivates them to reach their goals ethically and with dignity. This is my “you be you.”
So the sacrifice today is to be vigilant about my e-motions being in positive motion so I can help you be you, Boo. Let’s be successful, forgiving, and make each other proud!
#40days
Here it is Day 4 of my 40 day challenge. Because I’d rather focus on joy than sorrow, I’ve chosen to look at how I can do and be better in the next 40 days. I’m hoping after 40 days, some newer and better habits will be established.
So I won’t be giving up chocolate as some do. That would mean I’d have to break my daily date with one piece of chocolate. Believe me, the world is far better off with me eating chocolate. I gave up smoking in the 80’s, so that would be a hollow sacrifice. One of my friends is giving up shopping, and she’s not happy about her choice. So, I’m wondering what is true joy, what is pure sacrifice?
I believe that joy comes when you do what you’re called to do. Sacrifice is the minor annoyances to get there. True sacrifices are generally time, resources, attitudes and behaviors. Wow, while I’m writing this I’m understanding why some give up caffeine for Lent. What I don’t understand is why they give it up when they know they’ll go back to old bad habits.
I look at Lent as a testing period; a test drive; or better still – a dress rehearsal. So I’m sacrificing my time and attitude this season. I’ve mentioned I want to sing, write, and be available to those who need me. That means I must honor the time I’ve carved out to practice. That also means being on Facebook more strategically. (Translation: LESS !!! ) It means taking the time to write knowing despite my best intentions someone will misinterpret my message. I will apologize AND keep it moving. Too often I’ve let such things waylay my callings.
And in the midst of all this singing and writing, I want to spend meaningful time with people. That’s a joy and not a sacrifice. The sacrifice is balancing time with friends, loved ones, and others against energy depletion. I sometimes forget I’m not 19 anymore. In order to be available to one’s calling, one must be well rested.
So, today I’m finding joy in rest from writing, singing, and “peopling”. It’s a sacrifice, but somebody has to do it.
Rest joyfully my friends.
#40days
Whether we know it or not, we all have biases. You know, where we lean toward something or away from something. Biases become problematic when they turn into stereotypes we hold near and dear and don’t question.
As a little Black girl from predominantly Black South Central L.A., the bias I was told was that all things Orange County were bad. Now Disneyland was built in predominantly White Orange County a few years before I was born. And my family visited the county of the happiest place on Earth annually until I was 17 years old. At age 11, we moved to the multi-ethnic Westside of Los Angeles. Yet, I was still told Orange County – Bad; Disneyland – the exception.
Journey on to the new millennium. The African Methodist Episcopal (A.M.E.) Church of which I was a member makes “Purpose-Driven Church” mandatory reading. I march out to the local Barnes & Noble and buy it.
At home, I read the front cover.
Oh… My… Gosh… I’m in love. This is my kind of book. Then I read the back cover. Rick Warren is from Orange County. NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Orange County – bad. Can’t read this book.
Then my godsister tells me about chapters she’s read from the book: “You Are Not an Accident,” “Life Is a Temporary Assignment,” “Transformed by Trouble.” Oh my….. I’m liking what I’m hearing. But this dude is from Orange County. ALL folks from the OC hate people like me. Don’t they? But yet, this book is speaking to me. WTH!!!! (I know better intellectually.)
Ten years later, I read a blog, Engage the Pews, the story of Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church “planting” in Hong Kong without understanding the culture or the language of Hong Kong. See I was right. And Mr. Warren had the nerve to be defensive. (Mr. Warren didn’t know what he didn’t know.)
Hold on. This “all-knowing” diversity consultant is holding up a mirror. I realize my bias against Orange County has become an unforgiving and judgmental stereotype. Bad diversity consultant! Bad diversity consultant! No, I’m a human and confused diversity consultant. With humanness comes strengths, weaknesses, and lack of awareness. If I’m human, so is Rick Warren.
So this is a good time for us humans to use a few gems to deal with those things we don’t know:
1. Acknowledge our experiences and other people’s experiences are real.
2. Realize we all have different experiences and awarenesses.
3. Be aware that an individual can be wise in one area and totally clueless in another. (In other words, we’re not perfect.)
4. Assume initial positive intent.
5. Know that defensiveness is a natural reaction to being called on our “crap.”
6. Through conversation, we can learn and get passed our crap.
On this third day of Lent, I’m giving up grudges. Grudges against myself and others for not being perfect. I’m feeling a little joyful in that release. How about you? Where’s your joy? What are you letting go of today?
#40days.
As I think on moving from fear to joy on Day 2 of our 40 day journey, 3 words come to mind – fire, creativity, and learning. Those 3 words can strike chords of great terror or tremendous joy.
Fire consumes. I remember the fires set and threatened during the Watts Riot of 1965. To see golden plumes turning wood structures into charred piles of rubble is heartbreaking and scary. I was afraid of striking matches for years. Until … Wait for it… Richard Pryor. Yeah, I went there.
Richard Pryor is a great symbol of turning the fear of fire into joy. Can you imagine lying in bed for months in pain and agony because of life threatening burns all over your body? Then triumphantly returning to the comedy stage to tell of your recovery and to let folk know you heard the jokes. Maybe you, yourself, told this one he told – Holding a lit match moving it right to left; left to right – What’s this? Richard Pryor running down the street.
A true Phoenix suffering the indignity of setting oneself on fire while doing drugs, but rising to use his creative comic genius to teach the lessons he learned. From this experience and his journey to Africa, Pryor came back a man transformed.
Today, I commit to the chords of transformation. I will honor that little fire in my heart that singingly says “yes to helping others, yes to loving others.” Here’s how… I will use my creative gifts to brainstorm with you. I will share my lessons learned to support you. I wish I had money to share, to invest. But right now that isn’t mine for the sharing. But that statement is part of my transformation – accepting what I have to give versus obsessing over what I have not. I’m feeling a little happy dance coming on. Oh those chords of fire, creativity, and learning.
So what chords are making your happy feet move? C’mon -share!
I sent out a challenge on Facebook – silly me. I posted “… starting on Ash Wednesday, ending 40 days later, make it a point to be more present and intentionally aware and focused on what really lights you up and brings you joy. Jot it down in a notebook or your smart phone, tell the person next to you or post it on my Facebook page with the hashtag #40Days. See you Wednesday!”
Well, here it is Wednesday, and I feel inclined to participate in the challenge. Whew, what was I thinking. I know – I was thinking I want to do better during this Lenten Season. I believe in order to do better, I must be better. So, I looked into my heart to find what brings me joy.
Writing, singing, connecting with friends – those things bring me much joy.
So, I bet you’re wondering why I bring up fear in the midst of this joyfest. Well, I’m glad you wondered. Surely, I’m not the only one afraid of not being perfect. But guess what? Try as I might, I’ve never been perfect. And, I bet a whole lot of money I won’t be in the future.
To live in the present, and to do it joyfully trumps all kinds of fears. So for the next 40 days, I’m going to play nice in the sandbox and reach out to friends. I will finish blogs I’ve started and not completed. And I will continue to joyfully sing with the Oakland Symphony Chorus and elsewhere on as many occasions as I can. You should see the big smile on my face.
How about you? What’s bringing you joy today? I want to share in YOUR joy!
I love Facebook. But I didn’t always feel that way. As a matter of fact, it took a member of Gibson Washington Consulting’s advisory board to challenge me to check it out. She said that it was a good way to enhance GWC’s brand recognition. Anything to help brand recognition, right? So I established a personal page that is now only for family, friends, and classmates from elementary, junior high (yes, junior high, not middle school), high school and college. And a like page for the business we call Gibson Washington Consulting, the Great Wizards of Calm or GWC.
And while the original intent of being on Facebook was to highlight articles and blogs on conflict resolution, diversity, leadership practices, and most importantly differences in communications, my morning FB sessions have become an addiction to looking at friends & family pictures and stories, and meeting friends of friends.
On this wonderful canvas of social media, I have had the fortune of finding long-lost and newly-found relatives. I thought I found one whose (middle) name is the same as my maternal grandfather’s last name. As it turns out, she is a former student of two of my classmates – one from elementary school and the other from junior high school. I’ve enjoyed their student’s posts about her job, her kids, and her dating exploits.
Today, her post was different. It was an excerpt of an Malcolm X speech on Negro History Week. The post was rather long and initially I didn’t recognize the author. And where the excerpt seemed nationalistic to me, I was more struck and astonished by an exchange between the former student and one of her friends. It appears that these two hard-working and dedicated women are dealing with children who do not know their cultural history and don’t appreciate the beauty of being Black. Generally, I don’t like being the older aunt responding to younger folk’s posts. But I couldn’t help myself.
So this is what I wrote:
I never thought I’d be a “back in my day” person, but here goes. When Mr. Jones and I were at South Park, we had strong Black and compassionate teachers of other races who ensured we knew we were beautiful Black babies who came in different hues.
I guess I must really have gotten the “embrace-your-beauty” message, because when we had an assignment to do a self portrait, I was the only student who chose brown, instead of beige or off white, for my face’s color. Clearly, it wasn’t just the school, but parental and church influences.
One of the reasons diversity is part of my consultancy is that I strongly believe it’s ok to be different. And we should celebrate the greatness of our many and varied cultural, color, and other differences whether we’re Red, Yellow, Black, Brown or White. I can just hear that old skool song now – “Everything Is Beautiful in Its Own Way!”
I also believe that people should know the valley experiences their people have been through that influenced them to overcome and thrive in adverse climates. Ok, this next reference may seem out of the blue, but think about it. Roses aren’t just pretty. They’re thorny and cultivated in dirt.
I would love to teach real history and diversity to children of color, so that they know the un-sanitized truth of all our cultural histories and the sense of pride that comes with it. I know, from experience, when you plant the seed early, those educated children become responsible, authentic, receptive and beautifully proud adults.
Does anyone know where I can sign up to share these diverse beauty secrets besides on Facebook?
Playing Nice in this Sandbox Called Life 